Perils of Online Dating: Match.com

Hello, Singledom

OK, so you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend. You’ve been shoveling Ben and Jerry’s down your throat for a month now, and you’ve watched Ever After a total of 18 times. It’s time to move on. Problem is, you’ve forgotten how to meet people. There’s some vague memory of meeting your ex at a college party where you undoubtedly held a scintillating conversation/spilled beer on each other and concluded the night holding hands gazing out at a scenic lake/retention pond. At least, that’s how you remember it.

But life after college is different. You’re in your middle 20s now, the stakes are higher. Not to mention, people don’t go to college parties anymore. And everybody remembers that awkward 23 year-old (who now seems young) who couldn’t leave his college campus behind after graduation. Nobody wants to be that guy. So you consider your options: aggressively troll bars and clubs (though getting beyond a hookup in these situations is iffy) or you try the dreaded Online Dating.

The Lesser of Evils

You try Match.com first. It seems reputable but not: “let’s get married tomorrow.” You fill out your profile and scroll through a few guys before heading to bed. In the morning, you wake up to 11 “winks” and 4 new messages, 2 of which just say “hey.” OK. You can do this. One or two of these guys looks ok in their photos, and it’s hard to tell until you meet them, right? Rookie mistake number one. You ignore the fact that the guy who claims to run marathons has only posted a headshot and send him a lengthy message explaining your philosophy on life. Rookie mistake number two. He gets back to you with an equally long message and a request to meet in person. You set up a date. This happens a few times. You spend hours composing messages to guys you’ve never met. You get invested in learning about these guys. You feel like you know them. You set up more dates. You now have 5 dates in one week. Rookie mistake number 3.

Dating: Utopia or Nightmare?

You’re jittery on the first date. You’ve had such a good text conversation with this guy; you don’t want to ruin it. What if he doesn’t like you? But you soon realize your fears are misplaced. He has a watery, uncertain smile, and tries too hard to please. He doesn’t get near you even though you’re playing pool. He’s a Nice Guy. Each of your five dates goes this way, any potential attraction dying at the initial handshake (yes, a handshake). You should have known it would not be that easy. At the end of the week, you’re back to eating B&J’s and watching Drew Barrymore declare her love for Utopia. Is there a perfect dating world out there? Maybe you should find a college party to go to…